fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Randomize
