You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
as a side note pls kill me
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
