if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
