Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
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