It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
