he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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