he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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