I smell stomach acid.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize