party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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