he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
