That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
