My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
