the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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