i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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