If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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