Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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