I hate your face
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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