Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
