road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
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