i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
