Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
