mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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