I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
