i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
