do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
