Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
It's no shave November. This is our time.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
