Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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