As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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