I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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