I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
