are you so shy because you have an std?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
