Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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