Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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