I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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