Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
