I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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