I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
