She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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