4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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