So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
