I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
