I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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