Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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