You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
