dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
