I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
