oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
