she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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