I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
