i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Randomize
