she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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