He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
