my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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