Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
