found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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