the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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