I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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