my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
