I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
