Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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