ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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