Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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