forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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