I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
