omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
