I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
