i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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